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A 10k Word Filibuster I wrote - You may notice some parts are taken from other sources. Still took me about 4-5 hours to transcribe - Total 9816 words.
Alright, maybe I’ll do some standup. But also like sometimes I think about increasing my words per minute. Like how long it would take to increase it over time. For example like since June or January of sometimes a couple years ago, maybe 1 year ago, no 2018 so 2 years. But that’s odd I seem to remember it as Grade 9, which is only 1 grade behind what grade im in now, maybe it’s just because I’m at the end of the year that I remember it differently? No, but I think it was 1 year because it was June of 2018, but I guess that would make it 2 years, and not year. Maybe I seem to remember the grade wrong. Maybe it was grade 8 and not 9? No but there was no tech 10 for grade 8’s because of how my school is set up, or was set up at the time. So it must have been grade 9. If then, the only other option is that I am misremembering which year, but then it also said “2 years ago” for last online for my schoolmates on this typing website we used earlier that year. Back round to typing I guess. Anyways since a year or two years ago my words per minute has increased from an average of like 66-69 words per minute to I think 83 or 89. I can’t quite remember. Sometimes I think my memory is getting worse. I wonder if dementia is hereditary, because I think my dad is getting it. Or is it alzheimers? I don’t quite remember. How ironic. Anyways, the fact that my dad seems to be losing his memory is also a little bit worrying, although I’m sure he can tough it out. He seems pretty tough most of the time anyways. We all have moments of weakness I suppose. Anyways, my memory sucks and I forget lots of things a lot of the time. It’s not pure speculation that my dad is getting alzheimers or dementia, I don’t know which. He forgets things that I told him last week a lot of the time. Sometimes its important things, sometimes not. Sometimes just deals in general. I think it started rather recently, but again, I cannot remember. Bad memory.
Anyways, I came back from camping today, or rather yesterday if you count 3am as a different day. To me, the day is not the next day until I’ve slept. I’m sure it feels the same way with the majority of most people. That kinda sounds like bad grammar but I guess I’m not known for good English. Not anymore at least. I used to be a top student in most of my classes…except math. It kinda fell of in grade 6-8. Probably due to bullying, definitely due to mental illnesses. I’m glad they’ve cleared up now, for the most part. One thing I noticed very strongly about my change in mental illness is the severe anxiety I used to suffer from. In fact, I feel that I’ve kind of done a full u turn in that sense. Sometimes I literally just don’t care at all anymore, and in that way its also damaging. Like, I’ve lost a major sense of caring for no reason. Not caring in the sense of emotional or loving care, or maybe it’s the same. Who am I to know anyways? Anyways, camping. Camping was nice enough. Actually really nice I think. Outside of the onslaught of complains from my little brother about almost every little thing it was a nice trip. Some amazing fews of osoyoos too. I felt like I was on a plane I was so high up on the high way. I also learned of some highway things, like runaway lanes. I’d never heard of them before. Apparently they are for when semi trucks lose control of their brakes and need somewhere to stop, so they go up this slope that prevents them from y’know. Falling off a massive cliff and dying in a firey explosion. To be honest, at first I’d thought that they were kind of useless, but knowing that a lot of corporations chiefs tend to be more greedy, I wouldn’t doubt that they wouldn’t entirely care for the safety of their truckers all the same. Cutting corners and such. I also noticed that the runaways lanes seemed to have been used. Maybe by semi trucks or just curious drivers.
Onto a different topic I suppose. I got back from camping and I was greeted to the death of my sisters cat. Pretty sad, he got eaten by coyotes. The damn things live in white rock?? Rich white rock?? Since when?? I was pretty confused when I heard it, but less empathetic than I probably should have been, considering my sisters cat for 10 years just fucking died. And not a good death either. Apparently people saw it happen. I suppose they didn’t care that much considering the whole animal altercation happened at 4:30am and I wasn’t there to see it happen. All the while I heard what happened, I thought to myself: “I’ve been staying up til 4:30am earliest on most nights lately. If I’d not gone on this stupid camping trip I could have saved Neko.” Neko is the name of the cat by the way. It was a fun name as a kid, named after cat in Japanese. Remembering why now is because our neighbors at our old house had a Japanese transfer daughter that they took care of until they could get out of school. Her name was Ruth, if I remember correctly and she taught us how to play this weird wooden ball game when we were little. I have a lot of fond memories of the old house. Simply playing road hockey with my dad, water fights in the drive way, climbing tall trees out back. The whole place seems to be a condo complex now, and we only just moved out a few years ago. I’ve been having a bad time with, well time lately I guess. It was 3 years ago I think. 2016 or 2017. I can’t say for sure. Whatever it was, it was better times back then. Simpler.
Lately I’ve been subscribing to lots of new youtubers, like I just see something I like and I subscribe. I guess its what every good viewer should do right? I mean I like the content right? I guess theres nothing much to talk about there, but it’s just something new I’ve been doing. I found this cool channel from a video I saw on discord. It showed some psychological effect called anemoi, or anemia or something. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I really can’t recall what it is called now. Whatever it is, I know the vague definition. “An image or place that seems familiar or nostalgic but is not.” Like somewhere you’ve been before. It is really fascinating being entranced by these nostalgic images. It’s the same nostalgic effect as the “Backrooms” photo if you’ve seen it. It uses something general that almost everyone has seen and amplifies the nostalgic effect to the maximum. Gotta say, I’m a big fan of it. Hopefully more stuff like that will be found in the future, just cool psychologic studies and effects that you can play with and mess around with on youtube or whatnot. I found it on DavidCrypt’s channel if I remember the name correctly. Sue me if I’m wrong lol. Some other recent youtubers I’ve found are just from discord. Like sapph invited me to this random persons stream and his top viewed video had like 6.8 million views. Crazy huh? He doesn’t really get higher than 150 views lately though. Just a stroke of recommendation luck from youtube. Algorithms can be useful sometimes after all. Lately youtube’s algorithm for reccomendations have been so odd. I’m not really complaining though, most of the videos are from 3-12 years ago and are really interesting. Shit I would not have seen without the algorithm just recommending it to people. I’m sure there are actual people behind it, no way youtubes “algorithm” selects such interesting videos. Just the other day I got one called “Social Distance Bar Fight” that was made surprisingly 7 years ago. Sometimes the humor of the algorithm is so devious. Still humorous though.
I’m really here to do standup aren’t I? Yeah I guess I got a little side tracked there. I’m here to tell you about that one time I went to the store and I wanted to buy a new cereal brand but there were only four cereal brands. I’m not talking about like types of cereal, like I mean the brands behind the various cereals. There are kellogs and like the Kroger brand. There Is also like the no name brand, if that can even be called a brand. I’m sure that the presidents choice brand probably dabbled in cereal at some point to. Anyways you get my point, several cereal brands, and I’m trying to find a new one. So I got to the store, and I, and I want to buy another brand of cereal but there’s only like 3 or 4 brands of cereal. There’s Kellogs, as you know. The big one with like frosted flakes and other things. There’s uh…oh general mills that’s another big one. And uh other two brands of cereal that like and I’m here to tell you about my experiences there’s thje Kroger brand. And I don’t like the Kroger brand. I know it tastes the same but I feel like they do something to it to make it cheaper, I doubt it’s real food. Um, no don’t leave yet please. Please this is my first gig man please it’s the only one I’ve ever gotten so don’t leave please I’m trying so hard man. Alright. Uh, anyways’s I’m funny. They call me funny man because I tell jokes, they call mr funny man, uhh I have a discord account and a reddit account, you should friends and follow those because I’m funny. And I tell jokes on those accoutns um I make, I’m like they call the, they call me the funny guy, uhh you can call the best of 2020 video the best of josh because look at me. They call me man of the hour because I’m man of the hour and however many minutes long this filibuster is. Basically uh, I am not being paid at my job as an intern at the Kroger and Italian restaurant because threy don’t like me. And I need the money to pay for my daughter to go to college. She’s, she hasn’t been born yet as I don’t have a- have a mate. But you know, it’s j-just just called uh just called uh preparing for the future. Which is what I’m doing now on, by talking to you on discord. I’m looking for a mate, preferably of female gender within the age range of 14-17 years old and uhh I’m looking for a soulmate. I’m looking for any woman’s love or affection, nothing nothing nothing brings me joy anymore. And I believe the cure-all to the-the warm embrace of a woman. Please. I’m so desperate. Hm, okay I dunno about that.
Anyways, Christmas. I know it’s quite a bit of ways to go, but like, what else man? Who cares. Christmas. So walking out from our house Christmas eve, you may say there’s no such thing as santaaa, but as for me and grandpa, we believe in santa because of the ghost of santa we saw when we were, when we were on Christmas day together. So basically he and I were sitting by the fire and we were watching a film, called “Grandma got run over by a reindeer.” I think that’s what it was called anyways. Do you know spankenheimer? Jake spankenheimer? Or grandpa spakenheimer? Or doofus or whatever the reindeer is called? Anyway, lets get back to business, I’m looking for a bride to be a statue, a statue like a foundation like a statue. Like statues are usually made of metal and such right? So like concrete and metal and foundation to be my foundation. Not literally of course, because that would be uncomfortable. Pretty hard to hug a metal object and you know, get like, like get and sort of love from it. Unless its like a year or two or like no actually a couple hundred years ahead or not. Just until like human like AI is made, so love can be made from like robots. Like in the creepy fnaf fanfics. Anyways. I just need the love, I just need the love of a woman, and I’m such a sad, unbelievable sad person and I need love in my life uh, particularly that of a female umm who has umm amiable featues, umm well put together structure, umm and a whole of a heart. The whole as in like wholeseome not like an empty heart. And a affinity for video games. I just want a gamer, a gamer bride. P-preferabley one that’s partnered on twitch, and is verified on twitter, so like you know like you get like the full package. I want her to wear nothing but swimsuits. Um men’s like like 1930’s men swimsuits where there’s like black and white stripes all the way up and wdown. And I want her to marry me the day I meet her in Las vegas, California. And we’re going to go to the place and Elvis is going to be the person, the guy who gives me my wedding license. My my my my bride will be beautiful in her 1930’s men’s swimsuit she’s going to be and also there’s going to be one of those 1930’s changing tents that are also on the beach and there’s goiung to be one of those swimsuit cops as well to makes rue her swimsuit is the appropriate length as to not draw eyes of any um unwanted parties. Especially the Elvis Presley that’s going to be getting us hitched. Ummm I’m just looking to find a woman in my age range that is caring and wear’s 1930’s swimsuits and like until the end of summer or I will just I will just not be able to make it through 2021. So that-that yeah that’s my ultimatum. If I don’t get that within the allotted time of 3 months, uhh I’m uhhh going to uhh stop. Everything. Until I get what I so desire. Please please please please any women out there who fit the description I have so graciously provided, message me on my accounts. I’ll be sure to respond if you are nice, if you are not niceummm uh. I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. You-you’ll know, you’ll know if you’re not. Anyways that’s me,. I’m looking fro a woman of a- with a strong foundation of concrete and rebar and like like a like alike a stone, I need a rock. I need a breadwinner. Buti it needs- I need a lady, who will- who will carry me up the stairs and tuck me into bed and is between the ages of 14-18 I mean 14-7, no 14-17 years old, and is to my personal nice of like what I like. I just want- I just want a high five and from my beautiful bride-to-be and then I will- she can have all the money and all the cars and all the house- I’m just looking for the love of my life. I will put out several ads, I will put out an ad on craigslist to find the love of my life. The ad’s going to read: “looking for a structurally super nice epic and great babe who will be the foundation of my future” and and THE STOCK MARKET HAS CRASHED THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END which is really bad so I think when that happens I’m just going to watch some old films I like, like I like star wars so um in case you didn’t know the star wars films are actually basred off of the time period of the 194’s uhhh late 1930’s mid to mid 1940’s and the star wars films have’s like cause the stormtroopers are like the economy going boom in 1930’s or the great depression they are, actually come to think of it I don’t think my source was really credible on that account. Yeah, I don’t actually thing it was based off of that at all. It doesn’t really make any- anyways so uh another thing she needs to love is the national treasure saga. Like the one with Nicolas cage as the main character who’s name I can’t remember is it- I think it was Benjamin and he goes into some ice at one point in the first or second film, or like. I remember he almost burns the declaration of independence. Anyways, it’s not like something she needs to know because of a relation that we can talk about, but like something I can be taught about, because I know nothing about those films. Because in my own life, I’m self destroying I need t a woman to hold me I’m so desperate, I’m so desperate so I watch these films like national treasure, uhh it was very comprehensively directed by, well I don’t know but I’ve not seen the second national treasure, or maybe I have and I’ve mixed it with the first or another, I think there is only 2, but maybe 3, most films or big film makers like to make them in trios. Anyways, talking about big films, I’ve noticed the dark nature of the harry potter films after the first two, but the point is I- she can’t be into harry potter films, she has to like the national treasure film saga, because I just really like the national treasure saga and I hate harry potter with every inch of my body. Like I just want to kick his head into a wall until he just stops feeling good. She can like- of course she can have whatever other movies she like sother than harry potter and thius one other one I can’t remember, or no, I worded that wrong, I don’t really care that much , but it’s, I’ve not seen the film in quite some time, so uhh I’m not a fan of the vacuum cleaner character. There’s this cartoon kitchen film thing from like the 80’s? I want to say the 80’s but it feels more like 60’s esque. Anyways, uh the brave little toasdter is not, that great of uhhhh plot device? Uhh but what can you say? The-but the vaccum cleaner is scary, like a cat running away but like its just creepy. By the way why the hell are cats scared of cucumbers??? What did the vegetable do? Certainly it resembles something. Or some other animal or something maybe? I don’t know cat behavior, well actually I know it quite well afte having owned a cat for quite some time. Like since I turned 10 so about 5 years. Or like 35 cat years. I think that’s the math right? X7 for animals. Something or other, Lovely cat. I love her. Anyways, there’s the lamp character, there’s a blanket character, I think the blanket character was supposed to be like an electric blanket umm cause it have like a like a dial on it. I like the blanket character the blanket character is really wholeseome because it warms everyone up, like a nice twitch streamer or a nice cup of coco. And then again the- there’s the toaster character, which again I thought was a very cool plot device when I was little but now that I am at trhe white bald ageo f 15 I gotta say, it’s not a very good plot device. And I don’t know if I can really critique the film, I mean its an old film I gotta say, it’s yeah I think late 80’s kitchen appliance film but really what I want in a woman is someone who can critique the brave little toaster, a 1987 film about kitchen appliances with me, that’s all I want in a woman. Ack! Uh
some other things that would be great or rather I guess some geographical preferences, like too into the imma- the like- too into the dutch is bad, I don’t like the Belgians, they did ah man the bel- or the whole beneolux region in general is kinda weak. Umm none of them have a-0 like their own culture or anything like it’s kind a like discount Germany. A ride across the channel from the uk, I guess that’s pretty cool. But the, but the- but so Belgium is like half French and half dutch, I don’t even understand what like, why? They don’t even like have any good place to eat, like burger king, and I mean I guess it’s kind of the same everywhere. Really thinking about it. I mean they barely have any in british Columbia, if were gonna be honest. The burger king franchise, it’s not like- you think there’d be more of them. I-I’ve seen like maybe one and it was attached to a Walmart? I dunno where you even find them. I dunno it’s like a mid-west or east-coast franchise or something, I guess no one here would really know, unless of course you are from those regions, which is probably more or less likely. But anyways, it’s very important that she is like from 14-17 years old. That is probably the nu- one of the number one features that is required but she also ahs to be very well-off financially, so that way if twitch collapses in on itself I don’t have to go back to work, at least not for a little while. But you know I wouldn’t need- I mean I wouldn’t want to depend on her 100% so I might end up getting a job anyways, justy out of pity. Or something. It’s hard to find someone that wouldn’t critique you for that, I guess, but I’d work like- maybe I’ll just summon like- to do, I’m not quite sure. But, you know, there’s gotta be some way to to summon such a like an eatheral being that is uhh simple for the every man to do. Cause obviously many people have done it, I’ve seen a lot of people with girlfriends, well yeah I mean just walking outside. And I I just don’t know. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t understand. But anyway my ad is out there, you can hit me up- well it will be out I still need to like- but like hit me up on the uhhh ad.
Uh yeah anyways, I’m not a big fan of the rocky series, I’m sure I would be if I watched the films, but I myself just haven’t got around to watchsisng any of them. They are probably, or most of them are critically acclaimed, like popular, so I’ll watch them soon I guess. But like, I also know that some people don’t like everything you know? Like- mick was no longer in the rocky franchise. Um, I think it was after rocky 2, but um, I cant be too certain, like he could’ve been in rocky- I haven’t seen rocky 3. He could be- I know mr t’s in rocky 3 but that’s really it. I know that rocky is like “ooh I’m hot shit” and he uhh gets his act- his ass kicked by mr T, whos in the the the- not in gi joe he;s in the A team, which is another media franchise I’ve never seen, and I’m I’m not sure if it’s good? I’ve never- I don’t really know anything about it. I don’t know- I don’t know a lot of about 80’s media, I know that ghostbusters was- like it was a big film around that time era.
So uh, yeah. Oh! Have you heard of like- malls, no like same time I unsubscribed from all the political channels, cause like I um, I used to watch the uhh the uh, what’s his what’s his name? the doug walker, uhh what’s his name? The nostalgia critic. When I was when I was in probably the the first year of highschool, like last year. So in one episode of the nostalgia critic, he- wh-which one was I talking about? The uh sorry, dash roamed?, Dash unmuted and made me lose my train of thought for a minute. I can’t remember which episode of the nostalgia critic I was talking about. But um, kay, so there’s a lot of episodes. There’s one- oh it’s called the channel of awesome by the way. Probably left that out or something, doesn’t matter. Anyways, so in one episode of the nostalgia critic they talk about critters or something or other. Aot of their content is just about its just about like batman or superheroes, but in this particular episode he spoke about “Critters”. Now in all honesty, I couldn’t be bothered to even watch the video, the thumbnail alone gave me shivers and nightmares. It depicted like a black monster with a large toothy grin from ear to ear, whatever. Just remembering it now gives me the creeps. You know, I’m not so sure I wanna talk about this channel anymore. How about uhhh Minecraft!
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When I got home, or I guess a few months later until the 1.7. something or other update came around, I asked my parents to play the game, which actually I think sprung my video game addiction. I remember they started me on this actual Christian Minecraft server called “Skrafty.net” and if you said any cusses or swears they would mute you in that place. So I remember playing on that for hours on end, in kit pvp. It was the only server that actually had people in it, of course I mean uh actually minigame not server. There was only one skrafty server. Anyways, I played kitpvp and I remember sucking so badly at pvp, like I was so bad. I just it was a lot of though. Those were probably the golden ages of my life if I’m being honest. Not a care in the world, no worries just Minecraft. It was nice. Anyways, I also remember on skrafty, and because it was an educational server I remember actually doing these Minecraft classes. But not like in a class or video chat like with the whole corona thing, like it was a- so they told you what to do in like, so I remember this one time, I had to build a monkey, and I was so proud of this stupid ape. I wish I had the old laptop I played on so that I could share these creations, but it was so long ago, like 2014 or something. But yes I built monkeys and played kitpvp on a Christian Minecraft server which eventually sprouted my Minecraft – or rather just my video game addiction. Which I actually- y’know I don’t actually like video games that much anymore. Like I used to play them so much, but its a lot easier with friends, and I don’t get many of those, no one does I guess. But like so yeah. I prefer just talking on discord and watching youtube. Maybe I play GTA occasionally now yeah. But not so much . I playted through the story mode twice and- in like a week too. So I yeah. But uhmm, when I did play video games, I did get my first phone eventually and its funny, because like the different pocket editions of Minecraft were like they were very different. I do remember a tutorial to get to the nether before it was actually made, and also thinking that herobrine was real. Like I would buuld shrines and shit for this fake herobrine character, but it would never really work. I had reasonable reason for that though. For some reason my world corrupted, or I guess someone, yeah someone definitely went onto my first Minecraft world and just trolled on it. Probably my sister, or maybe my friend Tucker. But anyways whoever did it did a good job. There was a sign that said “this house belongs to null” in front of my house, and that scared me enough, but also all my iron gear was stolen, and my redstone path that I’d built to- that led from my mine to my cave was destroyed and looted. Real riot moment right? Anyways, outside of that, I was- oh and also the torches around my house had been turned into redstone torches. Anyways, one thing that I was really confused about, that herobrine or rather “null” I guess would steal my cauldron. I was pretty sad that day, and also confused, because why would herobrine want to steal my cauldron? What possible use could he use with it. Thinking about it now, I know it was most definitely my old friend tucker, who yeah he definitely did that, no one else in my family or like my siblings are cruel enough, or just knew enough about Minecraft lore and conspiracy theories to do that. Anyways, so uh yeah. I remember playing Minecraft on my little LG dishwasher phone was probably, that was a pretty bad phone. It wasn’t even like it wasn’t fresh bought. There was, it was the phone was very old and it was a hand me down from my sister. Anyways, I was still ecstatic when I got the phone, I mean it was my first phone regardless if it was a hunk of junk. So I was excited and for some reason, either I thought I wasn’t allowed to download my own games, or just my mom or dad told me not to. I was pretty young, but I can’t recall what age. Probably around 8 or 9. But I remember the one app- or rather game I did have on it was talking tom. And I guess that’s all I really needed because I played talking tom so much, I pretty much mastered the game. I had all the accessories for this fucker. I had all the money, he was in full gold, he was talking tom pimp. He had talking tom hoes. Some real cat sluts. I tell ya, talking tom was living it up because of me. And also because of the games, the minigames that came with the whole the whole talking tom package. So in the minigames I would play so much, there was one that was very similar to flappy bird called “Flappy Tom” if I remember correctly. But anyways, this by far was my favorite game and I remember my high score very vividly because I was so incredibly proud of it. I- my highest score on flappy bird- or rather flappy tom was 47. So that’s you know 47 pipes I managed to get through before smacking into one and just, dying a horrible terrible death. I mean, you know this tom cat, he’s travelling at incredible speeds in this glider. He is just, like nasa spacex rocket speed. So power driving his fucking head into a titanium pipe would just, oh I can imagine what a scene that would be. It wouldn’t be pretty to say the least. Although to be honest I kind of want to watch talking toms stupid head get cracked in. He is kinda annoying. Or at least I remember that he was when I was playing the game. Anyways, so even though those times were annoying with talking tom its better than stress now. Where did I- what was I talking about? Oh, Minecraft. So yeah I remember when we were going to get Minecraft, my mom didn’t want to buy it, and I was just a little kid, so I was poor. No money, I mean, what kid has 20 bucks yeah? My lazy ass isn’t going to work for like an hour to get peanuts. Anyhow, the demo I played, I was so excited to play it, I remember just finding a ravine and getting some iron gear before it turned off, because in the demo it only allows gameplay for 90 minutes, or an hour and a half. I mean, if you want to play for longer, It’s it’s just a demo ok. I remember being bewildered by everything and pretending I knew everything about the game around my siblings because I watched my old friend play it for 5 minutes 6 months previous. I saw a skeleton, and I said – “See those things are called skellies” which sounded retarded as hell, but I was a stupid like 8 or 9 year old so whatever. But later! I found out in a dantdm video that I watched about Minecraft that he called them skellies like I had, and I felt very cool that I predicted the name. Later I found out, NO I am just retarded because almost no one calls them fucking skellies. But yeah, know it all me thought that was just amazing.
uhhh, and then there was this one time I got in trouble cause my parents walked in and then they had me sit down and watch an episode of the like the annoying or the yes the annoying orange, and I don’t really know why, they didn’t like the show I guess. I remember watching it while hidden because my parents didn’t want me watching it because it showed bleeding fruit, and my mom thought it was too violent for me. So I’d hide in the garage underneath a chair or some weird living room wooden fold up table and watched the annoying orange videos. My mom was always kind of protective of what I watched when I was a kid. Didn’t help much now cause I watch hentai – NO CAP. Anyways, onto like okay. So the annoying orange, they wanted to show me it because they wanted to exemplify what it was or something? I don’t even know. So anyways it was probably one of the worst experiences of my entire life. And uh, I remember some shitty times, like one time I was roller blading in alberta and I swung around a stop sign, or some other bus stop sign, a street sign of some kind and I face planted, or like knee planted into the concrete. I had a big ol’ scar up and down my leg after that. It sucked, it pounded sand, it kicked rocks. It was worse then when I shot myself in the foot with a gun. It fucking sucked. Because it was, and I uh uh I regret it every day. And I remember it so vividly uh it’s like a mental scar. And I was I was only around 9 years old at the time. I was um, I was in the third grade, and I like-that’s like a repressed memory, that was like a really bad time. But yea I really like the annoying orange, or I did, and I thought I’d revisit him, so I was like I watched some annoying orange videos recently, and I was just, like “why the fuck did I enjoy this actual heap of fucking garbage. This is worse than burning feces. This is a disgrace to the internet, no humanity.”
So yeah, fuck the annoying orange, stupid cunt. Anyways, lately I’ve been thinking about like, stuff I learned in socials class, I was like doing good in that class, or so I thought. I got like 98/100 on the final essay, so that’s kind of nice, but my ending mark was still somehow like 87 or something, which is still good, but I think I worked hardest in that class so it sucks for me. But uh anyways, so economy, uh so what happened, that happened with the social darwinisim in the 1800’s was you had the big uh corporations like the standard oil company, which would uh see themselves as like the pinnacle of uh that specific which they which they occupied. U so they would see themselves as the superior, the superior forcei nthe market and they would they’d see that as their reason for swallowing up smaller businesses. So like, for example, what john d Rockefeller would od, john d Rockefeller would offer to buy a an like an independent oil refinery for a a , you know, not a great amount of money. Or or a good amount of money, depending on who it was, but that person might not wanna cave, so people are like: “oh well” and he;s like “well okay” and he just lowers the price of oil to where everyone’s taking it at a loss, but the thing about the standard oil company, was because it ownerd about 90$ of the oil refining industry, umm he was able to take that loss, for the amount of time that he was doing it, just long enough for the uh the business he was trying to take for lets say a couple million to like, fail completely and flop. Um and so then he’d buy that business for maybe a few thousand dollars, which I mean I can’t remember if that is inflated to modern money or not. Uhh so that’s how john d Rockefeller di that. But uh, so I was talking about social Darwinism I was talking about the uh the the rant era of no the annoying orange. But like I was talking about people and youtubers who come out on top. Leafy was like one of those like, one of those businesses, you know, that got bought out by the standard oil company, you know, that would be h3h3 in this specific situation. Which is very strange considering uh h3’s political philosophy , and is supporting someone like Andrew yang. Now let’s talk about Andrew Yang.
So Andrew yang he was, or like he is an American democrat who, well he’s a politician, and you know what, I don’t really want to get political. So uh how about like other games. Like uh so you know steam, well I prefer to buy steams or I mean steam games during the summer because they are much cheaper, you know because of summer sales, and I guess summer is coming up so I can start on that. Like yea so theres a few games I want to buy on steam, mostly star wars related, or just popular games. Like pubg maybe. I mean I could do a devious thing to get money, specifically steam money. You see recently my little brother rolled a knife in csgo. And I don’t remember the exact chances for that, but I kind of remember. I think it is like I think its 0.0025 % chance so like 25 thousandths of one or something, but I just know its very unlikely. So I looked up, or he looked up how much the knife is worth, and it’s worth like 340 dollars in steam. I mean like what the fuck? I have opened like 20 cases and got nothing over a dollar, and then this little mofo opens 2 cases and gets a 300 dollar knife? I swear man, he got gambling skills or just yeah. So anyways, he gave me the knife so that I could sell it for paypal money, which I do know how to do. It doesn’t exchange for 100% of the money though, it’s like 40-60% of what its worth. So I told him I’d do it for him, and then he could have his money you know? But like there were come trading cooldowns, so we had to wait like 2 weeks to sell it, and now this little cunt is not sure if he wants to sell it. Like wtf! 2 dead ass weeks and now he’s not sure. Okay anyways, the devious thing I said I could do is like just keep the money, or some of it. I mean, he’d probably get mad and I’d get in trouble if I took it all, so maybe a few dollars for my poor ass. I mean I don’t have a job rn because of covid shit and whatnot. Anyways, I’m not going to do it, because I mean its his thing and I don’t want to be a dick. But yeah it’s still like it’sd a possibility but its not. You know? Like I COULD do it, but I won’t. But like there’s a lot you could buy with 300 or something dollars. I mean, like a shitty car or something? Or a bike. I mean probably a bike, but like the car is- car’s are much nicer. This one car in particular, I can’t remember the model, but it was like a, it was a nice black old car. For some reason I just like older car models you know? Like shittier cars. I mean obviously I wouldn’t turn down a Lamborghini, but like I would take it and sell it and buy a bunch of shittier cars, probably. But like, I can’t even afford shitty cars, like I want this car so bad but the bike is so much cheaper, which one are you gonna take? Are you gonna take the bike are the car? You’re gonna take the uh, you’re gonna take the bike. So that’s what I’m saying, like youp during thje steam sales you always buy worst products, not because um. Simply because they’re cheaper, they’re the cheaper option. You you’d you could buy the lambo but the Lamborghini is not on sale because guess who put that on the store. It was like, the the guys who don’t like 2020, or the nhl 2020, not the 2k, who doesn’t do anything during the steam sales. You got- soo you buy like like a game like bye bye wacky planet, which is a game in my steam wishlist, which basically is a game where you are an alien in a side scroller 2d cartoon game where you are an alien completing a side scroller, much like Mario, the old Mario games or like uh uh yeah. Oh cuphead that’s the other one I was trying to remember. Why the fuck is cuphead so fucking difficult by the way? Like damn, I quit after like the first kind of area because I just couldn’t deal with the slime boxer thing that has a bazillion lives. It’s so annoying I tell ya, like you need so many hours in that game to get good. I prefer like chiller games anyways, like you know that uhm, Minecraft and games like that, or animal crossing. I really want to get a switch and get animal, the new animal crossing horizons game. It’s like I don’t- I just don’t have any money for that sort of thing. So I guess I’ll have to stick to shitty games, like you know I hate sims so much. Sim- I have sim city 4 deluxe in my steam library, I’ve opened it one time ever in my entire life, back in uh back in the days of uhh, I think 20…13? And it crashed for half an hour. And this- that is my- that is how much playtime I have in that game. Um, I refuse to install it or play it ever again, cause like city sim games are just complete trash. Almost as bad as the annoying orange. They’re terrible, no one wants to play them, and if you do, there’s like, something is wrong with you. You gotta have like a like a like a some like kinda masochist kinda thing going. Cause like that’s seriously like the same thing as inflicting bodily harm upon yourself. As like a joke. You play that game to prank yourself. Anyway, date me.
Extra easter eggs and references on the new character/stage that you may not have noticed
- Surprisingly, as Steve? appears on screen, you can hear the distinct sound of bones breaking. While this may seem extremely weird without context, in Minecraft, since 2011, the distinct Minecraft 'Oough' hurt sound was changed to the sounds of flesh being hit and bones breaking. In particular, the bones breaking sound is the sound the player makes when falling from a high place.
- The 'rapid crouching' gesture which many seem to think is a teabag of sorts, is actually a 'greeting' of sorts in the Minecraft community. As Minecraft didn't have emotes for the longest time, and the Java version still doesn't, this was the go to way of saying 'I don't mean harm' on many public servers.
- The 'jump and punch' taunt, which Sakurai states is the 'Hello, I would like to play Minecraft' taunt, may actually be a nod to how many Minecraft Youtubers actually greet their audience, going into 3rd person mode, jumping and punching at the same time, hence why Steve? turns to face the screen.
- Steve? can be seen blinking, a very recent addition to the Bedrock version.
- In the village, in the Sheep pen, you occasionally see Sheep lower their head, this is a behaviour unique to them that helps them regrow wool, sadly, the grass block below them doesn't convert to dirt like in Minecraft.
- The Villager in the background can be seen walking around, and occasionally walking over to a Smoker block in the background, this is because he in particular is a Butcher, and the Smoker block is a Butcher's distinct 'workplace block', something that in Minecraft determines a Villager's job and trades. Given his badge on his waist, he's a Novice rank Butcher.
- Steve?'s jump may seem hilariously short, but it's surprisingly better than Minecraft's own jump height, which is only half of that. Specifically, Steve?'s jump matches the height of the player when under the affect of the Jump Boost buff.
- The second Villager to appear in the background is a Farmer, and his workplace, the composter, can also be seen. He is also Novice rank.
- Another subtle thing you may have missed, but when Sakurai was showing off the Zombie alt, a Zombie, Skeleton and Enderman can be seen in the background. Specifically of interest is the Enderman, which can be observed carrying a block and teleporting away, two of their trademark abilities.
- The one off comment of 'Just don't look it in the eyes!' might seem random to people who are unfamiliar with Minecraft, but Endermen are neutral mobs in Minecraft, and only become aggressive if looked at directly in the eyes (Or attacked directly), which will prompt them to shake, scream, and unhinge their jaw.
- As the sun sets, the two Villagers in the background can be seen meeting up in the centre of the stage, just like how in Minecraft, they meet up after work in the town centre, before going to bed.
- As an interesting observation, both sword attacks represent the combat in both Java Edition and Bedrock Edition. The rapidfire sword swing, called 'Spam Clicking'' in the community, was a feature present in both versions until Java 1.8 completely removed it, in favour of a slower, charged swing in an arc, which can be seen with the FSmash.
- Another minor detail, but the FSmash having powerful knockback could be a nod to how in Minecraft, if you run and attack, your attacks gain extra knockback.
- The Farmer I mentioned before can be seen 'nodding' in the background, then returning to his workplace. The 'nodding' is the animation the Villagers use for planting crops.
- When Steve? uses the Magma Block, you can see a red glow on his face. While Minecraft doesn't have coloured lighting, Magma Blocks do emit a slight glow.
- In a very much 'blink and you'll miss it' moment, when Steve? uses the Lava Bucket, the texture of the bucket itself changes, as the first blob of lava falls out, the bucket unfills, then refills, as if Steve? picked up the lava block before it had a chance to spread.
- Interesting thing to note. In the Taiga version of the stage, a mossy cobble boulder can be seen. These do not actually spawn in the Taiga itself, but in the Giant Tree Taiga biome, also known as the 'Mega Taiga' in older versions.
- An odd observation, but when he demonstrates mining on Battlefield/Omega stages, the sound of mining changes to better fit the material. Mining on Spring Stadium produces the same sound as mining sand, whereas mining on Yggdrasil's Altar produces the same sound as mining stone.
- When Sakurai demonstrates the different tool strengths, if you look closely, Gold has the fastest mining speed, which is exactly how it works in Minecraft.
- As Dark Samus breaks the Crafting Table, it pops out in item form before disappearing.
- Using another person's Crafting Table may seem odd to people who have never played Minecraft, but without any mods or server plugins, no item is truly 'owned' by a player, meaning other players could use your Furnace/Crafting Table/Chest/etc and vice versa.
- Blocks breaking while the player jumps up into them is not a reference to Minecraft, but most likely a subtle reference to Mario, much like how footstooling Squirtle during it's Side B flips it over.
- A real interesting thing to point out is how the player is limited to how far they can build out. While this seems like some kind of arbitrary limit for game design, in Minecraft itself, millions of blocks out, there is a world border where no blocks can be placed beyond, and players take constant damage if they are past it for too long. Another thing, Minecraft also has a height limit, which prevents the player from building any higher than 256 blocks from the void. Don't be surprised if there's a lower height limit either, not only for balance purposes, but because Minecraft also has this.
- While Redstone not being on the meter may seem odd to people who have never played Minecraft, Wood, Stone, Iron, Gold and Diamond are all used in making tools, whereas Redstone cannot be, which may be the reason behind excluding it.
- It may seem odd that Minecarts can move without a track, but in Minecraft itself, Minecarts do roll along the ground a short distance if they run out of track. When off of their track, a Minecart becomes uncontrollable if you're sat in it, hence why the tracks are important.
- Powered Rails, which here, can be seen boosting the Minecart's speed, in Minecraft, forces the Minecart uphill, hence Sakurai's comment about it.
- While the Minecart scooping up another player may seem like a random, funny gimmick move, in Minecraft, Minecarts have an infamous tendency to 'pick up' mobs they collide with, even if not intentional. Mobs also cannot escape these without player assistance. This has sometimes resulted in players having Creepers turn up at their Minecart stations.
- The comment about Elytras being something the player looks forward to after beating the Ender Dragon is a nod to how after beating it, the End 'opens up', and a new structure, the End City, can be found. End Ships, which float above End Cities, are the only source of Elytra in the game.
- Elytras in Minecraft have a limited amount of time they can fly without rockets, and one of the ways to extend this is by swooping. While many may think this is a mechanic inspired by Brawl, oddly enough, the Elytra was actually based on the Wing Cap from Mario 64, so it working similarly to Brawl's gliding is more of a funny coincidence.
- When Alex lands after being hit with TNT, the bone breaking sound effect can be heard, it's highly likely this damage sound was chosen as their landing sound.
- The most surprising thing to see in the entire video in terms of Steve?'s moveset is TNT being able to be primed via hitting it. While this may just seem like something Sakurai created, believe it or not, back in Beta 1.6 and prior, you could light TNT by hitting it. The feature has since been removed from Minecraft, but it's crazy to think that a mechanic last seen in 2011 made it into Smash.
- The fact that TNT can be launched may be odd at first, but in Minecraft, after a TNT is primed, it switches from a solid block to an 'entity' (Basically any 'non block' and 'non item' object, like Animals, Monsters, Boats and even Picture Frames). Entities in general have interractions with the game's physics.
- Sakurai's comment about how TNT deals extra damage the closer you are to it is very accurate to Minecraft. Standing directly next to TNT can often kill the player, while standing several blocks away deals far less damage.
- Lighting TNT with a fire attack is something that is also true to Minecraft. Fire arrows, Flint and Steel, and Lava can all ignite TNT.
- In the House of Boom Final Smash, there's a few neat easter eggs. A Zombie can be seen wearing Leather Armour, something they can both spawn with or pick up and put on, and another Zombie can be seen suck in Cobwebs, slowly falling, Cobwebs being a common trap in Minecraft due to them slowing players down.
- The parry animation, as Sakurai explains, is directly from the shielding animation in Minecraft. What Sakurai doesn't mention is that shields in Minecraft also completely negate any attack that hit's the player.
- When Jigglypuff puts Steve? to sleep, Steve? takes at a Red Bed and sleeps on it. While the colour of the Bed may seem like nothing to new players and people unfamiliar with Minecraft, Red Beds were the only Bed in Minecraft for SIX YEARS.
- Steve? doesn't close his eyes when sleeping. While this may seem like an oversight given that he blinks, characters in Minecraft don't close their eyes when sleeping.
- The Spider and Enderman that appear in the background, just like Minecraft, also have glowing eyes that ignore lighting.
- Villagers going to bed and Zombies standing outside their door is something that is common in Minecraft, as Zombies will actively hunt Villagers down to kill.
- In the scene Vs Mario, Wheat can be seen in the Farmer's patch, later on, Carrots can be seen, however, their leaves are oddly darker than in Minecraft.
- A weird point, but when the Tundra is shown, the flowers and grass patches have no snow on or around them. This is a common problem in Java version that is completely absent from Bedrock.
- All of the village structures are directly 1:1 with how they are in Minecraft.
- Possibly an obscure one for even Minecraft players, the Stone Shore biome is a type of minibiome, specifically a variation of the Beach.
- The spirit board contains four Overworld mobs, two Nether mobs, one End mob, and two mobs that appear in multiple dimensions.
- Surprisingly, the Piglin, also known as the Pigman by older players, is included. The non undead versions were only added to the game as of this year.
- Both the Enderman and Ender Dragon are Neutral type, possibly because they both have purple in their design. On top of that, the Enderman is the only Neutral mob included on the board.
- Zombie's spirit battle being a team is a nod to Zombies having the abilities to randomly spawn another Zombie as backup if it's harmed.
- Zombie's spirit having super armour is a reference to how Zombies in Minecraft will, at random, take no knockback for no particular reason whatsoever.
- The Zombie's ability as a spirit is 'Fire Weakness', as a nod to them spontaneously combusting in the sunlight.
- Slime's spirit features a large Giant Kirby, three Giant Kirbys and six Tiny Kirbys. This is because in Minecraft, Slimes divide when killed, and can divide into 2-4 smaller ones. There's three sizes of Slime, big, regular and small.
- Slime's spirit being Kirbys that use Neutral Air is a reference to how Slimes attack via jumping at the player.
- Hilarious as it seems, the Creeper and Pig Mii Costumes have an interesting relationship. Creepers were made by accident by Notch when he messed up the leg placement of the Pig model, as he's not a 3D modeller. In a sense, the Creeper Mii Fighter has a closer body shape to the Pig by sheer coincidence.
- It's possible that the white Toon Link that the Creeper fights may be a nod to the Skeleton, especially given the Creeper attacks Toon Link as he's firing an arrow. Fights between the two mobs are common in Minecraft, and Creepers who are killed by Skeletons actually drop music discs.
- A Creeper attacks Captain Falcon in a pile of Bob-ombs, an obvious reference to their exploding attack.
- A Creeper can be seen almost being struck by Pikachu's Thunder, in reference to Creeper's being hit by lightning strikes being turned into Charged Creepers, a stronger variant.
- A Pig attacks Robin and Mario, who are using Arcfire and Fireball. Pigs in Minecraft are a source of food, and lighting them on fire with a Flint and Steel or Fire Aspect weapon is common to skip the meat cooking process.
- Several players wearing Diamond Armour fighting a Rathalos assist trophy is a nod to the final battle of Minecraft, vs the Ender Dragon. Players often take their strongest armour and weapons (Diamond or Netherite) to fight it.